


Secrets and Razor Blades

by omgdatphantho



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Angst, M/M, Mentions of Rape, Self-Harm
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-18
Updated: 2016-08-18
Packaged: 2018-08-30 22:23:37
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,043
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8551468
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/omgdatphantho/pseuds/omgdatphantho
Summary: Phil’s harboring a secret. Dan thinks he’s the cause of Phil’s recent behavioral change.





	

**Author's Note:**

> Based on a prompt I was sent on Tumblr.

_A pair of rough hands grip his arms tightly. He’s being drug down a hallway towards a dark room. Phil is kicking his feet and screaming in protest. He knows what will happen if the man gets him into the room._

_Faceless people line the hallway. He can feel them watching him. He screams at them to help him; for them to stop the man. No one intervenes. No one helps._

Phil bolts straight up. He’s panting and his heart is racing. A scream fades from his lips. His door suddenly bangs against the wall. His room is flooded with light. He winces and shields his eyes from the bright light.

 

A wide eyed, yet sleepy looking Dan stands in his doorway. His hair is curly and the definition of bedhead. His only clothes are a pair of low slung pajama bottoms and a pair of boxers that peek out over the top of his pants. His chest is heaving up and down as if he’s breathing hard. He quickly crosses the room and sits at the end of Phil’s bed with caution.

“Phil? Are you okay?” Dan asks. He gently reaches his hand out to touch Phil’s arm. His fingertips have barely brushed against Phil when the man jumps at the contact. Dan retracts his hand. He mumbles a sorry. Phil shakes his head and blinks a few times before he focuses on Dan.

“Sorry,” Phil apologizes. He drops his head and wraps his arms around himself.

“It’s okay. Are you okay though?” asks Dan while he eyes Phil. Phil nods his head.

“I’m fine. Why?” he questions. Dan looks at him for a moment before answering.

“I heard you screaming,” Dan replies. Phil nods his head.

“Sorry to wake you. It was just a nightmare,” Phil explains. It’s Dan’s turn to nod his head.

“Are you okay now? What was it about?” Dan asks. Phil nods his head.

“I don’t remember,” Phil lies. He knows exactly what the dream was about. It’s the same dream he’s been having for months now. Dan raises an eyebrow at him, but says nothing.

“I’m going to try to go back to sleep,” Phil explains.

“Do you want me to stay with you?” Dan offers. Phil shakes his head.

“You don’t have to. I’ll be alright,” Phil explains. Dan wearily agrees. He stands up and heads back to the door. With one last look at Phil, he shuts the door behind him and slips back into his room.

Phil rises from his bed and shuts off his light. The room plunges back into darkness. He stumbles around his bed and flicks on his side lamp. A soft, yellow glow fights back against the darkness. Phil flops onto his back and stares at the ceiling.

He knows sleep won’t be coming any time soon. His mind is too busy thinking about his nightmare to even consider it. The nightmare is happening more frequently now. Before, it use to be once or twice a week. Now it’s nearly every night.

His mind is screaming at him how unlovable he is and how much he’s wasting space. He tries to ignore the voices, but he can’t hold out forever. With a sigh, Phil gets out of bed and takes the few steps to his dresser. He rummages around in one of the drawers until he finds what he’s looking for.

It’s a plain wooden box. Phil’s not sure where it came from, but it’s holds his dirty little secret. He grabs a towel off his floor and settles against his headboard. He pulls off his long sleeve shirt off and sets it to the side.

Phil looks over his arms. Lines in various states of healing cover them. If he were to pull down his pants, Phil would see the ones on his thighs. He hates looking at himself. It’s no wonder that no one will ever love him.

He opens the wooden box and pulls out his razor blade. Phil flips it over in his hand. It’s still quite sharp. He knows that he will have to replace it before long. He lays his left arm flat against his leg and presses the blade against it. With a flick of the wrist, a new line appears on his skin.

Phil repeats the process until his arm is bloody. He even drew a few shaky lines across his right arm. Phil grabs the towel and quickly wipes off his blade before setting it back in the box. He wraps the towel around his arms and waits for the bleeding to subside.

He stumbles down the hallway and into the bathroom. Phil starts the sink and drops the towel onto the ground. He rinses the excess blood off his arms. After he’s cleaned up, Phil walks back into his room. He hides the towel under a pile of clothes and places the box back in his drawer.

Phil pulls back on his shirt. The sleeves scratch roughly against his new cuts and he hisses at the pain. He curls up tightly in bed and silently cries as the sun begins to rise.

Dan walks into the lounge the following morning. The tv is on and Phil’s curled up asleep at the end of the couch. Dan sighs and squeezes himself into his spot so he doesn’t disturb the sleeping man.  

They haven’t been connecting very well lately. Phil’s become withdrawn and short with Dan. Most of their discussions end with a fight. Dan has convinced himself that he’s the cause. Every time he pushes Phil to talk about what’s wrong, Phil snaps at him. Dan just wants to help.

He looks over at his roommate with sad eyes. Phil’s still wearing his pajamas. His sleeves had ridden up. Dan’s eyes fixate on the scars on his arms. His eyes go wide with shock. His hand covers his mouth as he chokes back a sob. Phil stirs in his sleep and Dan quietly makes his way out of the room.

He stumbles into his room and tears start to fall down his cheeks as he shuts the door. His quiet sobs wreak his body. Dan lays on his bed and does nothing to prevent his tears.

Thoughts race through his mind. Voices telling him that he’s a bad friend and how he’s the reason that Phil’s harming himself. Dan shakes his head in desperation. The voices don’t cease. He can’t find another explanation for Phil’s unhappiness. He cries himself to the point of exhaustion.

The days pass as they always have. Phil spending most of his time hidden in his room and Dan avoiding him. Dan doesn’t tell Phil what he knows. He makes a point to be extra nice and helpful when he does interact with his friend.

Phil does notice the change in Dan. How nice Dan’s been and also that he’s complimenting him more. Phil watches him with suspicion, but doesn’t comment on it.

They behave this way for about two weeks until Phil can’t take it anymore. He ventures out of his room and finds Dan sitting in the lounge. Dan looks up from his laptop. Once he registers Phil’s presence, he places it off to the side.

“Do you need me to help you with something?” Dan asks in a genuinely helpful tone. Phil shakes his head. Dan opens his mouth to say something, but Phil beats him to it.

“We need to talk,” Phil says quietly. Dan nods and makes room for Phil on the couch. Phil sits next to Dan and turns to face him. Concern is spread across Dan’s face.

“What would you like to talk about?” Dan asks. Phil shifts his eyes around the room. He’s nervous to bring this up, but he knows that they need to discuss Dan’s recent change.

“I’ve been noticing that you’ve been a lot more helpful and have complimented me more lately. I’m not here to complain about either of those things, but I would like to know what’s up with you,” Phil states. Dan nods his head and bites his lip. He knew that this discussion was coming. Now that it’s here, the words feel stuck in his throat.

“I’ve been trying not to be a burden to you,” Dan whispers. His eyes go wide with the realization of his words. They were not the ones he meant to speak. Phil furrows his brow in confusion.

“What do you mean?” Phil asks. Dan sighs. He has to confess now.

“I’ve seen your arms. I know it’s because of me,” Dan says. He glances down into his lap so he doesn’t have to look at Phil. Phil sits ridged in silence.

“What do you mean you’ve seen my arms?” Phil asks. He folds his arms across his chest.

“I’ve seen the scars on your arms. I know I’ve been a burden to you lately. I figured that if I was better you wouldn’t want to hurt yourself,” Dan explains. Vomit rises in Phil’s throat. His head is spinning. Silence settles over the room. The only sound is Phil’s deep breathing. When he finally feels less sick, Phil responds.

“They’re not because of you,” he whispers softly. Dan snaps his head in Phil’s direction. Quiet tears drip down both of their cheeks. Dan shuffles closer to Phil and places his hand on Phil’s arm.

“Then why are you doing it?” Dan asks softly. A sob escapes Phil’s lips. The wall he built all those months ago is crumbling. Everything he hid behind it is threatening to escape.

Dan wraps his arms around Phil and pulls him close. Phil sobs into Dan’s shoulder. Dan strokes his back and whispers calming things into Phil’s ear.

A while later, Phil’s crying has subsided. Dan doesn’t let him go. They sit there quietly for a while. Phil pulls out of Dan’s embrace. His eyes are red and puffy. His cheeks are stained with tears. Dan gently wipes the top of Phil’s cheeks and Phil gives him a sad smile.

“Please tell me why you’re doing this to yourself?” Dan asks gently. Phil nods slowly. He sniffles a few times and takes a deep breath before talking.

“I cut because I’m damaged and unloveable,” Phil whispers. Dan’s heart clenches and his stomach drop.

“No, no, no. You’re not. Who told you that?” Dan asks. Phil sniffs again.

“No one told me that. I know I am,” Phil responds. Dan feels like he’s going to start crying again.

“You’re not Phil. What’s making you feel this way?” asks Dan. Phil swallows the lump in his throat.

Quietly and carefully, he begins to tell Dan his story. Dan had gone home and Phil decided to go to a party. He had had a few drinks and was chatting up this man. They were making out in a bedroom and the man wanted to have sex.

Phil didn’t and informed the man as much. The man didn’t listen. He didn’t stop no matter how much Phil pleaded. Phil ran off after it was over. He wanted to put everything behind him and move on.

Moving on was harder than Phil thought it would be. The nightmares started a few days later. He began cutting a week after that. Dan sat in complete silence while Phil told his story. He starts crying halfway through. Phil describes everything in vivid detail.  

When Phil finishes, Dan throws his arms around him. They hold each other close and sob. Dan feels guilty about being unaware. Phil feels bad about not telling someone sooner.

“It’s going to be okay,” Dan whispers in Phil’s ear. Phil nods against Dan’s neck. Dan knows that they both have a long road ahead of them; especially Phil. He’s determined to help Phil through everything.

After much discussion, Phil agrees to see a therapist. Dan accompanies him to every appointment and waits in the waiting room for him. Little by little, the old Phil returns. He stops cutting and starts spending more time outside of his room.

The nightmares also stop. Maybe that’s because the therapy is working. Maybe it’s because they’ve started sharing a bed together. Phil knows it’s most likely the first reason, but he likes to believe that it’s the second.


End file.
